Dear Joe,
Just call me Sandy. I’m 28 years old and an avid fan of Lovenotes. I love hearing the music that you play afterwards, because it would always be so touching that it brings tears to my eyes.
I’m still single. I almost got married when I was 22 but things didn’t work out. Daniel and I broke off our engagement, thereby ending our 9-year relationship. We started going out when I was just a freshman in high school. We eventually realised that the love that we felt for each other when we were just kids is a long way off from the true meaning of love that unites two people in marriage. I realised that the only reason why our relationship lasted as long as it did was just because we already had someone to call our own and we were just too scared of letting each other go and starting all over again. He realised it too, which made our parting easier. We still keep in touch, but not that often. I heard that he’s getting married next year and I’m happy for him. Anyway, life does go on.
And it did. I met this guy when I started working in Makati. His name is Jared. At first, we would just talk while at work, when we’re not too busy with other things. And eventually, he started calling me up at home and we’d talk for hours on end. Sometimes, until the wee hours of the morning. I don’t know what it was but we felt so comfortable with each other. We could talk about just anything and everything under the sun, and never run out of things to say. We got closer when we started opening up problems with each other. He has a girlfriend and they’ve been going out for a long time already. They have problems most of the time and he would talk to me about them. Pouring out his story of why can’t this girl understand him. I told him that most relationships weren’t perfect. Couples do fight. And in spite of all their complaints about each other, I knew they were really in love.
Eventually, they didn’t break off and he was fine again. But as the weeks went by, Jared and I were becoming closer and closer. We’d go out, first with our group of friends. And eventually, there would only be the two of us. And Joe, those times were the happiest we’d ever feel when we’re together. Sometimes we’d wish that the day wouldn’t have to end, just so we could stay this close to one another. In short, we became the closest as two people could possibly be–but in a platonic way. It’s like having a boyfriend—without the intimacies. Of course there’s the usual hugging and hand holding, but nothing more. We’ve become best friends. Calling each other up, anytime in the day. Just to say hi. Just to have an excuse to hear each other’s voice.
Joe, I don’t know when it started but eventually, I realised that the feelings I had for him went deeper than it should have. I’d miss him terribly whenever we couldn’t see or call each other. I became jealous of his girlfriend even though we never talked about her anymore. I wanted to ignore what I was feeling because I wouldn’t want the friendship to suffer. Sometimes though, I’d get a feeling that he was feeling the same way. I don’t know how to explain it but you just know. Don’t get him wrong. He’s a very loyal boyfriend, Joe. Sometimes I wished that he would be just like the other guys who two timed their girlfriends. But he wasn’t. And that was one of the things I loved about him.
I wanted so much to tell him how I feel. I even thought that it was worth risking the friendship. How could something that felt so great had to be suppressed just because of society and all its standards. I never kept anything from him and I definitely couldn’t keep this one a secret. Besides, what if he was feeling the same way and was only waiting for a sign that I felt the same? Eventually, being the coward that I am, I put off the moment that I had to tell him. Next time, I’d say to myself. Maybe next time. This went on for months. Unfortunately, fate had something else planned.
He was getting married. It all happened so suddenly that even I was left speechless by the news. He HAD to marry her. It was an accident, he said. And when I knew, I felt as if my world was tumbling down around me. I couldn’t very well accuse him of betraying me. No. He was completely platonic in his friendship to me. Which made it even worse for my case because I didn’t even have that as a reason to cry. He would never know how I felt for him. It’s too late now. Sometimes, at night, I’d have these thoughts that maybe if I told him how I felt, this thing wouldn’t have happened. If only I told him. I know that I can’t tell him about these feelings anymore. And my only consolation right now is the hope that somehow, he felt them. And if he knew about those feelings, I wished that it had made him happy, just like it made me happy. For knowing him brought out the best in me.
I have never met anyone like him in my life and I’m scared that I may never find someone like him again. I love him so much and yet I have to let go. It’s not fair. I have dreams of telling him before he gets married, that I love him and that he will be so much happier with me. I’ll fight for him with the hope that maybe, just maybe, this lovenote would have a happy ending. But I’m not evil. It’s not right to hurt another person just so I could have what I want.
Last night, we talked about where our friendship was heading. We threaded lightly on the topic of could’ve beens and we even came to the point where we both could have said something about what we were feeling for each other. It was the perfect moment to express how we felt. Just so we could say “I love you” and then let go. So that we may have a memory of a time when we could say that we truly loved each other. The moment passed with neither one of us saying a word. I know that I let my last chance slip by. I haven’t cried a tear since then. Yet I have this heavy feeling in the pits of my soul that I can’t express. And I know that the only way to ease this pain would be to let the tears flow. Help me.
Thank you for reading my letter, Joe. More power to your show and I hope that eventually, all the lovenotes that you had received through the years will find their own happy endings.
Sandy