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Dear Joe,
Your program has been famous in offices where I have worked with. Through those years it seemed a habit on Fridays to put the dial on your channel when 10:00 am strikes. I never thought I could even have the courage to come to you now and share my piece of a little less than normal story.
Call me Mykie. I am a lesbian. Working as an engineer in one of the biggest property developing company in the country. We are all girls in the family. Back in elementary, I noticed that I get more attracted to girls than I was to boys. I guess I brought that along with me as I breezed through my adolescent years. When I decided to study engineering, it was not because I fancied mathematics or that sort but rather it gave me a certain thrill knowing that engineering was the type of course that was more masculine.
While in college, my parents brought me to stay in an all girl dormitory, with curfews as early as 6 PM. At first I thought it was a bore. Until the second semester of my freshmen year when I met Gayle. That time, Gayle was in her second year of her Political Science course. She was new in the dormitory and we shared the same cubicle. That means her bed is just 2 feet away from mine. Anyway, she was nice and we seem to share a lot of common interests. Soon we started cooking food together, eat together do our studies at the study hall together. I thought I could only feel friendship for her until that moment she held my hand. I didn’t know what came over me Joe, but at that instance I knew then that I was feeling something different towards her. When we locked eyes, it seemed to me as if she mirrored all the emotions I was feeling inside. That semester was over and summer classes started. I was all the more confused with my identity, my personality and all. It was really a struggle trying to stay away from her. Most of all I didn’t want her to know what it was that I felt inside for fear that I may be rejected and scorned. But the more I tried to stay away, the closer she gets to be with me. Until that summer day when I ran out of objective reasoning, I slipped and told her I love her and she means a lot to me. I was expecting her to get mad and tell me to get lost. But I didn’t hear any of those words Joe. Gayle just smiled at me and said she felt the same. It was the sweetest smile I could ever picture from her and from that day on, I knew I was never the same again.
She would sometimes sleep in our house and it was just a wonderful feelingbeing with her. Soon, my family started to notice our extra sweetness and they vowed to pull us apart. But I stood strong for Gayle. I knew at some point I have hurt them but in all of my youth I have devoted myself to become the good partner for Gayle and at the same time, the good daughter to my parents. I guess Gayle and I weathered a lot of storms together because our partnership was rooted on friendship. We always believed we have each other. It was a partnership that was so important to both of us. During all those years, we have kept an open line. We shared each other’s deepest secrets. Even our crushes towards the same or the opposite sex. We are each other’s best friend. We built our dreams together but, wonderful as it may seem, it was about to end in due time.
Almost three years ago, Gayle left for the states via a petition from her parents. It was the day I was afraid to face. Thanks to the internet, communicating with her was a lot easier. In November last year, I began to notice the rarity of her emails. She stopped telling me she loves me. Normally, she won’t say goodbye without telling me she loves and misses me. I kept my cool until that day she wrote me that note. There was this guy she has been exchanging emails with. She told me she has fallen for him. She also longs to have a normal family someday. She knew I would be hurt but she just wanted to be honest with me. I wrote the pain in my heart in a letter expressing how much she meant to me, how much I loved her all these years. That in all my life I have thanked the Lord everyday for her.
Three months after, on our 15th year anniversary, she told me that it will always be just the two of us. Only then was I able to breathe a sigh of relief. I thought I gained her back. And so I went on being the caring, trusting and understanding partner I have always been for Gayle. At times she would call me up to say how empty and lonely she was inside. I’ll cheer her up by singing her a song or remind her how strong she has always been. I would tell her that I’ll always be around no matter what happens.
Another three months passed and I got a call from her, excited as I was, I took her call at dawn on a Monday morning and I said hi and that I miss her. Joe, her answer cut me so deep. She told me, she met this guy Daniel, and she instantly fell in love. They have dated and kissed and God knows what else Joe, that was about 3:00 in the morning. I felt my blood went up to my head. But I still managed to end our conversation politely. The following days tortured the deepest sections of my soul. I felt like I was dead. I cried at night. I prayed, then cried, then prayed again. Four mornings after, I got an early call from her asking me how I was. I could have bombarded her with endless questions of why’s and the where have I gone wrong, but though my voice was shaking, I managed to just say its over. I decided to help her out by putting an end to her confusion. Even when it hurt so much Joe, I had to say goodbye. That she can be finally free and do what she wants without having to worry about me. Joe, it was so hard not to beg her to stay. I also told her I’m cutting all the strings left between us. I begged Gayle to stop calling me and stop writing me anymore because I needed to heal myself. I told her that I loved her very much even when it meant letting go. She said she was so sorry she caused me so much pain and grief. I just answered, ” no apologies, no regrets.”
Today Joe, I’m so far from getting over her. My heart is still mending, my soul is still healing. I am struggling to be happy quietly inspite of my grief. The hardest part is learning how to reprogram my life without her, to plan a new life on my own now. Yet inside me, I feel no bitterness towards Gayle. I could only thank God for a moment in my life, He has blessed me with someone like Gayle. I had the rich experience of loving and being loved. Maybe I owe Gayle her chance to find out what it meant having a normal relationship, a normal life. I should be happy for her. We shared 15 beautiful years, and for that I could only be grateful. As for me, I’m opening my heart to the Lord to remake me. I can’t pretend to be fine because I’m not
Thank you for giving my story a chance to be heard. Loving, even when it hurts, is one of the greatest experience one may ever have during this lifetime. A friend of mine sent me this note and with all my feelings and conviction, I know what it meant. “The things you fear, you will face one day. The things you love, you will lose one day. Do what you have to do and make the most of every moment. Life is too short, so be happy always.”
Sincerely,
Mykie
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