Just call me Rizelle, for years, I believed in the value of chastity and that one's virginity is the very important gift a bride could give her husband. I have many relationships before, but I never gave all of myself until I met Nick.
In all those four years that Nick and I were living in a shared accommodation, we have nothing but just fraternal concern for each other. One night, we both got drunk , realized there was some kind of unspoken attraction between us, and we got carried away and started kissing passionately. I felt very awkward because He began to avoid me after that .
Joe, since I hate loose ends, wanted to settle the score. I wrote note saying that I care for him but if he thinks we are not good for each other, we can just forget what had happened and remain friends .He left our dorm and I never heard from him since then.
Joe, I am bisexual. I fall for both guys and girls, but more of an emotional than physical sense. I date a lot of guys and girls and would occasionally enter into non-committal relationships, most of which I would later regret and would soon end whenI find the other party falling for me. And please don't get me wrong , I am not the woman of the world type. Deep within I am somewhat conservative, but flirtatiously playful at times. Joe, I also wish to be in a serious relationship especially after my hurtful experience with my first girl friend whom I have loved more than myself, and my first boy friend who is marrying soon.
I Can't exactly figure how did it started but after Nick came back and moved in at the dorm again we started to spend more and more time together until one night, we went beyond ourselves and crossed the line that I never thought I would. It is that for me, though it is not half as wonderful as I expected it to be. The problem is I don't know if it has any meaning for him. We did not even have a relationship and never even once did he tell me that he cares for me, much more love me. But I do know that he was not an easy guy, that he would have not done that with me had he not like me somehow. I am aware that some girls have tried to win him but maybe they did not succeed and went as far as I did. But I know for a fact too that these girls probably are very vocal about commitment when I am not. Maybe that settles it. Or maybe it's because having each other is somewhat beneficial. We almost live in the same house, go to the same school, belong to the same organization. We were always together so we decided to make the best use of it, or maybe like me, he just wanted uncommitted friendship with some benefits on the side.
Joe, I dont know whta' going on in is mind. all i know is that I have deeply fallen in love with him. How else will I explain everything I have given up for him? The pride I swallow every time I make the first move to get close to him, the little errands I do for him and when he asks me why I do all that for him, i just get tongue tied about my true feelings.
Lately, I have been struggling if I should reveal my feelings. I am afraid that if I tell him how much I love him , he would reject me and tell me that we are just better off as friends. I don't think I would be ready for that. I am ready to commit myself now Joe, but how can I tell him that if I don't even know what he feels about me?
Besides, no matter how much I love him, and no matter how I hope and wish that he's the one for me, I have this feeling that we are not made for each. I know I am not his type. He may be sweet in his little ways but I am always the one who makes the first move. I might have penetrated what seems to be a barrier he created with most people but it is still not enough to make me feel special. If he finds a girl he really wants , what will become of me? I will be left alone again grieving over my hurt emotions.
I am now living in a separate dorm to distance my self from him and to think things over. Every time I go to school, the temptation to see him is just too great to resist and this is killing me. He has made no attempt to communicate, or even say hi or hello to me despite my efforts to reach out to him. Someone told me that he is not the type of guy who courts and expresses feelings but i went against many of my self-imposed rules for him so why can he let me know where I stand? What shall I do, Joe? It has been ages since I fell in love and I don't want to lose this feeling. This is my reality now. I dont pay attention to any other man or woamn I meet and I feel I have become a better person because of him .C
Desperate seeking you advise,